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Lawyer Jokes
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me? "She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Ms. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt !"..you understand that counselors !!!!!! ::Twisted Humor - Lawyer Jokes::
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The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well dressed, gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the gentleman replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps, someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 10 $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour. Then, the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained it is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 a visit. Again, the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The gentleman replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who live there." "Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." MORAL: Some things in life are certain... 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by an attorney ::Twisted Humor - Lawyer Jokes::
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A Boston lawyer went duck hunting in North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigater responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the North Dakota Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor, and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." ::Twisted Humor - Lawyer Jokes::
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If you ever testified in court, you wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it
went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker
room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter,
and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this
year's "Best Comeback Line" and we think he'll win. |
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10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law firm isn't:
1. Think you can get me off? ::Twisted Humor - Lawyer Jokes::
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