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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer.........Twice.
::Twisted Humor - Lawyer Jokes::
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Jokes 
